at war with love....

Well it is coming up on mine and Kelli's one year anniversary. Two more days.

 We got matching tattoos. To most they look like plain old dragonfly's. To us they symbolize a fresh start, a commitment to our love and devotion. They are also a reminder of the vows we took. So that we may never forget what we promised each other almost a year ago. I will be glad to see 2014 in I am hoping it is better then 2013 has been. My dad Just got out of the hospital in England. He has been very sick.The substandard care he received is standard in England according to what my mother saw and other people in the country. I so wanted to jump on a plan fly to England and ask them all if they are daft cows!!! Now that my dad is back on the narrow boat that they call home he is on the mend. Mom of course is taking great care of him and finally getting

to take care of he self again. Below is a picture of my parents when they were in the states for the wedding.


     This first year of marriage has been tough for Kelli and I. Our time apart proved to both of us that we belong with each other. It was a hard lesson to learn and I lost a very good friend. But some times the story has a twist in the plot or they kill off your favorite charter. You keep going you keep reading the story because your not at the end yet. Kelli and I still have many pages of out story to write. Right now we are hunkering down trying to save money to move to Eugene next October. She is doing great at her internship.  They have hired her on a permanent basis. We were hoping that once she is provided with insurance it could mean  job change for me. That might not be the case. Their policy on insurance is estimated by the hours you work so until we figure it out I am staying put in my current job.

                        As a stress reviler I still make jewelry and other things to help fuel and nurture the creative side of me that feels like it is slowly being smothered to death. I have been making Goddess "rosaries" working with a lot more real stone too. I find listening to music and creating some how feeds my soul. I wish so much so that I could make my living doing what I love to do.... Below are some of my new pieces.

     These are just a few of the many pieces I have on sale at etsy.com tripplemoondesigns If you are interested I also do custom orders and have cheap shipping costs to other countries.

Late night thoughts

I ran across pictures of my old best friend that I no longer speak too. He is now on T and living his life authentically as Aaron. It was difficult to see the pictures and be reminded of how close we used to be. The friend ship ended suddenly and not by my choice. It saddens me that we are no longer in each others life. We have both changed so much in our time apart. I am trying to live my life more authentically and be honest with my self at times I find it challenging every day. I feel trapped in a job that I no longer find fulling. and some times it is a challenge to just get up and go. I long to be in Eugene around my Family down there living a more authentic and spiritually grounded life. I have not been practicing wicca for a few years now. I find that it is a void I need to fill. I need to feel connected to the earth and the world again.I Need to feel human connection beyond my marriage.we are doing better then ever before as a couple Kelli starts her internship tomorrow. I am so proud of the goals she has set and accomplished.I long to be back in school I feel as if my brain is turning to mush just sitting in my skull. I am still on light duty due to a work injury and I am ready to be done with it. All in all life is going along well I just feel that something is lacking....

You took my heart and held it in your mouth

AS usual things have changed drastically since I last wrote.

My wife and I are working on our marriage. It is not always easy but it is worth it to me. I have a deep love for her and feel as if a piece of myself is missing when we are not together. I am still working for the same company but I am keeping my options open. I am doing some private writing reviewing some items for a friend. I found great joy in writing my review of the Pee Cock. It felt good to busy my mind with something that was new and required a little researching. I am currently on my first day of a three week run of graveyards..... My body is not enjoying the switch. Things at home are good and things at work are the same old things. I have gotten some new beads to play with and some new shoes that don't kill my feet got to love happy feet. All in all things have changed the time apart from my wife taught me that the grass is not greener on the other side it is greener where you water it.

I shed my skin and put my bones into everything I do

It is easy to find some one to love but the hard part is finding some one to love you back. I think this is a very true statement. The falling in love is one of the best parts or at least I think it is. The learning something new each day, can't wait to hear your voice, and feel your touch newness of it all. From the moment I met Kelli I knew she was where I wanted to be. Was it love or lust that grew into love? I still miss her smile and laugh. We have gotten to a place where we can text with out an argument ensuing. Then there is Juan.... I was not looking for him I had just left my wife and was going through a divorce. He just was there with his sweetness and flowers and home cooked meals. SO I said fuck it picked up my battered and torn heart and followed him where ever he chose to lead. Don't get me wrong I still have my days where I miss Kelli like crazy but I have been writing her a letter every day trying to express my emotions. I tried to fight for us but there was no going back what was done is done. She is with some one and now so am I. I have learned from my recent

Divorce a few lessons. You can out things on others time tables either it works or it does not and that is okay. 

We can fuck and make love but I will always  a piece of my self just for me.... It is called my soul. I will be giving and kind open to love but my soul that stays mine... My secret place where no one can hurt me. Just because you love some one does not mean you can be with them. This is a hard lesson to learn. But my mother was right love does not always conquer all. The other day it was like this weird switch went off in my head and I stopped hurting so bad. I still have my days but at least I am no longer crying my self to sleep. 

So Juan and I are living together yes I have heard every U haul joke already . We have made agreements and stuck to them so far. We don't go to bed angry, who ever gets home first makes dinner, he handles the money and I do the big cleaning the rest we split. It varies from day to day who does what but we try to support the other in any way we can.

I finally allowed him to meet my Portland family. It went good the kids liked him a lot.I am currently writing this from the PSU 24 hour computer lab while he studies... Like I said we support each other in any way we can. 

  

Breath and let go..............

I know that it is normal to move on after a relationship. I can't seem to let certain things go... When I find out that my ex wife's new GF is now kind of living with her and my best friend I want to throw up and I begin to shake. So many emotions surge through me. I am not sure why. I have moved on I am now dating Juan. I am happy with him. Why does the human heart take so long to catch up with the brain? I get it she has moved on and so have I but why does my heart not get it. I know part of it is that I lost my best friend. I miss they way we used to laugh together or go good willing... It is the small things that you miss when they are gone. I try so hard not to care.... But alas I still do. Any one who knows me knows I am not good at letting things go.... We are talking every now and then  trying to figure out how to be friends after being married. How do you build a life with some one and then watch it all fall apart and move on?? How do you back track to we are just friends? Can you back track?? I fell like all of this has been very damaging to my relationship with my best friend. She swears nothing is different but it feels different. I know that everything changes but I am not good at change. Honestly I don't like the idea of the new GF getting friendly with my best friend shallow and selfish but there you go that is the truth of it. How do you make sense of a divorce.... Does the pain of loosing your life that you thought you were going to have get replaced by the joy of building a new one.....?


Move on to I am now dating a man.. How does this change my identity does it have too? I have always believed that love knows no gender but I have almost always been with women. Now that I am with a man can I still be gender queer? This is like a whole new territory for me. I am scared I will admit it I feel lost like I have no clue what I am doing... People keep telling I am strong but if I am so strong why does all of this hurt so much? Not that it is all bad... There are good times and happy moments in between the painful ones. But when it hurts to breath and you cry for hours have you really moved on? My brother a therapist says this is all part of the grieving process. So I equate my divorce to a death. But the death of what is my question. I have not given up on my hopes and dreams I still want to have a baby, go back to school, own a nice house, spend time with my family celebrate important events with the ones I love... I am so damn lost and confused I just want to hide under the blanket... Or stay home in my PJ's and do art!!

Your gone gone gone there is nothing left we can do.....

     
       It has been a while since I have blogged. A lot has changed since I last posted. To start off I am now divorced.... It was not an easy choice to leave my wife but it was the right one in the end. You can not have a marriage with out trust and she had left our trust in shambles.... I do not fell the need to go into detail but lets just say it is one of those things that you just don't get past. I am at the angry stage right now you know the I want to beat your face in place.... Any one... okay guess it is just me. I am angry that I did not have the self esteem to walk away from her the first time she did it.... I stayed and thought I can get past this. When you really love some one that is what you do right.....?
How the hell should I know what you do when you love some one I think I am a hopeless romantic and want to think love is all sparklie when really it is messy and hard.


         Kelli's new girl friend "bee" looks like a white trash version of me only with blond hair and blue eyes. Now folks this is not me making things up several people have agreed and even asked me if I see the resemblance. This makes no sense to me since she did not want me,. but wants a white trash, teeth missing wear to much makeup kind of version of me... If any one has an answer to this please clue me in...

Okay so I think that is the end of my rant for now.

  On the up side I am the god mother to an amazing new baby boy. Jacob is amazing..... watching him grow every day is amazing.

  I live in down town Portland now... I am close to Saturday market, food carts, and my favorite restaurant.

  I have a great room mate who is an adult and handles his shit... Imagine that.

  I still have my fur kids and they are adjusting to life with a dog.

I do not know where this path in life will take me next but as always I will receive it with my heart on my sleeve and a child like wonderment if it is going to be sparklie.



You're gone, gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All that's left is the ghost of you.
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go we'll meet again soon
Now wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep  ~~~ Of monster and Men  ~~~

Life post ovary

Life post ovary has been interesting. Kelli is recovering well. we have been taking it easy for the most part. We have been playing board games, sleeping and trying not to over do it.





Baby with her sock monkey 

We did got to the park yesterday and throw the ball around a little and pants even hit a few home runs.


 My friend recently had a birthday so I spent the weekend with them celebrating. We ate out, drank, danced and watched horror movies. All in all a great weekend and fun was had by all who joined in the festivities. I had amazing Mexican food, drank a few to many AMF'S and was sore for days from dancing.

Ready to hit the dance floor 

Pants had been doing some up keep on the car recently. We changed the wiper blades, and are working on changing the headlights. Good old tawanda still has ass and is running as good as ever. She was my first car that I payed off. I am glad she is still in the family.

Pants working on tawanda 

New wiper blades 

 Mom and Les are doing good in England recent pictures show snow and lots of laughter.  I am glad that they are so happy.

Recently I have been trying to get out more and take photos with my new camera. I have been spending more time in down town Portland and have run into some very interesting charters whilst looking for good photo opportunities. below are some of the most recent ones.

Portland 

street sleeping 

Lady Portland