I shed my skin and put my bones into everything I do

It is easy to find some one to love but the hard part is finding some one to love you back. I think this is a very true statement. The falling in love is one of the best parts or at least I think it is. The learning something new each day, can't wait to hear your voice, and feel your touch newness of it all. From the moment I met Kelli I knew she was where I wanted to be. Was it love or lust that grew into love? I still miss her smile and laugh. We have gotten to a place where we can text with out an argument ensuing. Then there is Juan.... I was not looking for him I had just left my wife and was going through a divorce. He just was there with his sweetness and flowers and home cooked meals. SO I said fuck it picked up my battered and torn heart and followed him where ever he chose to lead. Don't get me wrong I still have my days where I miss Kelli like crazy but I have been writing her a letter every day trying to express my emotions. I tried to fight for us but there was no going back what was done is done. She is with some one and now so am I. I have learned from my recent

Divorce a few lessons. You can out things on others time tables either it works or it does not and that is okay. 

We can fuck and make love but I will always  a piece of my self just for me.... It is called my soul. I will be giving and kind open to love but my soul that stays mine... My secret place where no one can hurt me. Just because you love some one does not mean you can be with them. This is a hard lesson to learn. But my mother was right love does not always conquer all. The other day it was like this weird switch went off in my head and I stopped hurting so bad. I still have my days but at least I am no longer crying my self to sleep. 

So Juan and I are living together yes I have heard every U haul joke already . We have made agreements and stuck to them so far. We don't go to bed angry, who ever gets home first makes dinner, he handles the money and I do the big cleaning the rest we split. It varies from day to day who does what but we try to support the other in any way we can.

I finally allowed him to meet my Portland family. It went good the kids liked him a lot.I am currently writing this from the PSU 24 hour computer lab while he studies... Like I said we support each other in any way we can. 

  

Breath and let go..............

I know that it is normal to move on after a relationship. I can't seem to let certain things go... When I find out that my ex wife's new GF is now kind of living with her and my best friend I want to throw up and I begin to shake. So many emotions surge through me. I am not sure why. I have moved on I am now dating Juan. I am happy with him. Why does the human heart take so long to catch up with the brain? I get it she has moved on and so have I but why does my heart not get it. I know part of it is that I lost my best friend. I miss they way we used to laugh together or go good willing... It is the small things that you miss when they are gone. I try so hard not to care.... But alas I still do. Any one who knows me knows I am not good at letting things go.... We are talking every now and then  trying to figure out how to be friends after being married. How do you build a life with some one and then watch it all fall apart and move on?? How do you back track to we are just friends? Can you back track?? I fell like all of this has been very damaging to my relationship with my best friend. She swears nothing is different but it feels different. I know that everything changes but I am not good at change. Honestly I don't like the idea of the new GF getting friendly with my best friend shallow and selfish but there you go that is the truth of it. How do you make sense of a divorce.... Does the pain of loosing your life that you thought you were going to have get replaced by the joy of building a new one.....?


Move on to I am now dating a man.. How does this change my identity does it have too? I have always believed that love knows no gender but I have almost always been with women. Now that I am with a man can I still be gender queer? This is like a whole new territory for me. I am scared I will admit it I feel lost like I have no clue what I am doing... People keep telling I am strong but if I am so strong why does all of this hurt so much? Not that it is all bad... There are good times and happy moments in between the painful ones. But when it hurts to breath and you cry for hours have you really moved on? My brother a therapist says this is all part of the grieving process. So I equate my divorce to a death. But the death of what is my question. I have not given up on my hopes and dreams I still want to have a baby, go back to school, own a nice house, spend time with my family celebrate important events with the ones I love... I am so damn lost and confused I just want to hide under the blanket... Or stay home in my PJ's and do art!!