Breath and let go..............

I know that it is normal to move on after a relationship. I can't seem to let certain things go... When I find out that my ex wife's new GF is now kind of living with her and my best friend I want to throw up and I begin to shake. So many emotions surge through me. I am not sure why. I have moved on I am now dating Juan. I am happy with him. Why does the human heart take so long to catch up with the brain? I get it she has moved on and so have I but why does my heart not get it. I know part of it is that I lost my best friend. I miss they way we used to laugh together or go good willing... It is the small things that you miss when they are gone. I try so hard not to care.... But alas I still do. Any one who knows me knows I am not good at letting things go.... We are talking every now and then  trying to figure out how to be friends after being married. How do you build a life with some one and then watch it all fall apart and move on?? How do you back track to we are just friends? Can you back track?? I fell like all of this has been very damaging to my relationship with my best friend. She swears nothing is different but it feels different. I know that everything changes but I am not good at change. Honestly I don't like the idea of the new GF getting friendly with my best friend shallow and selfish but there you go that is the truth of it. How do you make sense of a divorce.... Does the pain of loosing your life that you thought you were going to have get replaced by the joy of building a new one.....?


Move on to I am now dating a man.. How does this change my identity does it have too? I have always believed that love knows no gender but I have almost always been with women. Now that I am with a man can I still be gender queer? This is like a whole new territory for me. I am scared I will admit it I feel lost like I have no clue what I am doing... People keep telling I am strong but if I am so strong why does all of this hurt so much? Not that it is all bad... There are good times and happy moments in between the painful ones. But when it hurts to breath and you cry for hours have you really moved on? My brother a therapist says this is all part of the grieving process. So I equate my divorce to a death. But the death of what is my question. I have not given up on my hopes and dreams I still want to have a baby, go back to school, own a nice house, spend time with my family celebrate important events with the ones I love... I am so damn lost and confused I just want to hide under the blanket... Or stay home in my PJ's and do art!!

Your gone gone gone there is nothing left we can do.....

     
       It has been a while since I have blogged. A lot has changed since I last posted. To start off I am now divorced.... It was not an easy choice to leave my wife but it was the right one in the end. You can not have a marriage with out trust and she had left our trust in shambles.... I do not fell the need to go into detail but lets just say it is one of those things that you just don't get past. I am at the angry stage right now you know the I want to beat your face in place.... Any one... okay guess it is just me. I am angry that I did not have the self esteem to walk away from her the first time she did it.... I stayed and thought I can get past this. When you really love some one that is what you do right.....?
How the hell should I know what you do when you love some one I think I am a hopeless romantic and want to think love is all sparklie when really it is messy and hard.


         Kelli's new girl friend "bee" looks like a white trash version of me only with blond hair and blue eyes. Now folks this is not me making things up several people have agreed and even asked me if I see the resemblance. This makes no sense to me since she did not want me,. but wants a white trash, teeth missing wear to much makeup kind of version of me... If any one has an answer to this please clue me in...

Okay so I think that is the end of my rant for now.

  On the up side I am the god mother to an amazing new baby boy. Jacob is amazing..... watching him grow every day is amazing.

  I live in down town Portland now... I am close to Saturday market, food carts, and my favorite restaurant.

  I have a great room mate who is an adult and handles his shit... Imagine that.

  I still have my fur kids and they are adjusting to life with a dog.

I do not know where this path in life will take me next but as always I will receive it with my heart on my sleeve and a child like wonderment if it is going to be sparklie.



You're gone, gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All that's left is the ghost of you.
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go we'll meet again soon
Now wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep  ~~~ Of monster and Men  ~~~