You took my heart and held it in your mouth

AS usual things have changed drastically since I last wrote.

My wife and I are working on our marriage. It is not always easy but it is worth it to me. I have a deep love for her and feel as if a piece of myself is missing when we are not together. I am still working for the same company but I am keeping my options open. I am doing some private writing reviewing some items for a friend. I found great joy in writing my review of the Pee Cock. It felt good to busy my mind with something that was new and required a little researching. I am currently on my first day of a three week run of graveyards..... My body is not enjoying the switch. Things at home are good and things at work are the same old things. I have gotten some new beads to play with and some new shoes that don't kill my feet got to love happy feet. All in all things have changed the time apart from my wife taught me that the grass is not greener on the other side it is greener where you water it.

I shed my skin and put my bones into everything I do

It is easy to find some one to love but the hard part is finding some one to love you back. I think this is a very true statement. The falling in love is one of the best parts or at least I think it is. The learning something new each day, can't wait to hear your voice, and feel your touch newness of it all. From the moment I met Kelli I knew she was where I wanted to be. Was it love or lust that grew into love? I still miss her smile and laugh. We have gotten to a place where we can text with out an argument ensuing. Then there is Juan.... I was not looking for him I had just left my wife and was going through a divorce. He just was there with his sweetness and flowers and home cooked meals. SO I said fuck it picked up my battered and torn heart and followed him where ever he chose to lead. Don't get me wrong I still have my days where I miss Kelli like crazy but I have been writing her a letter every day trying to express my emotions. I tried to fight for us but there was no going back what was done is done. She is with some one and now so am I. I have learned from my recent

Divorce a few lessons. You can out things on others time tables either it works or it does not and that is okay. 

We can fuck and make love but I will always  a piece of my self just for me.... It is called my soul. I will be giving and kind open to love but my soul that stays mine... My secret place where no one can hurt me. Just because you love some one does not mean you can be with them. This is a hard lesson to learn. But my mother was right love does not always conquer all. The other day it was like this weird switch went off in my head and I stopped hurting so bad. I still have my days but at least I am no longer crying my self to sleep. 

So Juan and I are living together yes I have heard every U haul joke already . We have made agreements and stuck to them so far. We don't go to bed angry, who ever gets home first makes dinner, he handles the money and I do the big cleaning the rest we split. It varies from day to day who does what but we try to support the other in any way we can.

I finally allowed him to meet my Portland family. It went good the kids liked him a lot.I am currently writing this from the PSU 24 hour computer lab while he studies... Like I said we support each other in any way we can. 

  

Breath and let go..............

I know that it is normal to move on after a relationship. I can't seem to let certain things go... When I find out that my ex wife's new GF is now kind of living with her and my best friend I want to throw up and I begin to shake. So many emotions surge through me. I am not sure why. I have moved on I am now dating Juan. I am happy with him. Why does the human heart take so long to catch up with the brain? I get it she has moved on and so have I but why does my heart not get it. I know part of it is that I lost my best friend. I miss they way we used to laugh together or go good willing... It is the small things that you miss when they are gone. I try so hard not to care.... But alas I still do. Any one who knows me knows I am not good at letting things go.... We are talking every now and then  trying to figure out how to be friends after being married. How do you build a life with some one and then watch it all fall apart and move on?? How do you back track to we are just friends? Can you back track?? I fell like all of this has been very damaging to my relationship with my best friend. She swears nothing is different but it feels different. I know that everything changes but I am not good at change. Honestly I don't like the idea of the new GF getting friendly with my best friend shallow and selfish but there you go that is the truth of it. How do you make sense of a divorce.... Does the pain of loosing your life that you thought you were going to have get replaced by the joy of building a new one.....?


Move on to I am now dating a man.. How does this change my identity does it have too? I have always believed that love knows no gender but I have almost always been with women. Now that I am with a man can I still be gender queer? This is like a whole new territory for me. I am scared I will admit it I feel lost like I have no clue what I am doing... People keep telling I am strong but if I am so strong why does all of this hurt so much? Not that it is all bad... There are good times and happy moments in between the painful ones. But when it hurts to breath and you cry for hours have you really moved on? My brother a therapist says this is all part of the grieving process. So I equate my divorce to a death. But the death of what is my question. I have not given up on my hopes and dreams I still want to have a baby, go back to school, own a nice house, spend time with my family celebrate important events with the ones I love... I am so damn lost and confused I just want to hide under the blanket... Or stay home in my PJ's and do art!!

Your gone gone gone there is nothing left we can do.....

     
       It has been a while since I have blogged. A lot has changed since I last posted. To start off I am now divorced.... It was not an easy choice to leave my wife but it was the right one in the end. You can not have a marriage with out trust and she had left our trust in shambles.... I do not fell the need to go into detail but lets just say it is one of those things that you just don't get past. I am at the angry stage right now you know the I want to beat your face in place.... Any one... okay guess it is just me. I am angry that I did not have the self esteem to walk away from her the first time she did it.... I stayed and thought I can get past this. When you really love some one that is what you do right.....?
How the hell should I know what you do when you love some one I think I am a hopeless romantic and want to think love is all sparklie when really it is messy and hard.


         Kelli's new girl friend "bee" looks like a white trash version of me only with blond hair and blue eyes. Now folks this is not me making things up several people have agreed and even asked me if I see the resemblance. This makes no sense to me since she did not want me,. but wants a white trash, teeth missing wear to much makeup kind of version of me... If any one has an answer to this please clue me in...

Okay so I think that is the end of my rant for now.

  On the up side I am the god mother to an amazing new baby boy. Jacob is amazing..... watching him grow every day is amazing.

  I live in down town Portland now... I am close to Saturday market, food carts, and my favorite restaurant.

  I have a great room mate who is an adult and handles his shit... Imagine that.

  I still have my fur kids and they are adjusting to life with a dog.

I do not know where this path in life will take me next but as always I will receive it with my heart on my sleeve and a child like wonderment if it is going to be sparklie.



You're gone, gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All that's left is the ghost of you.
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go we'll meet again soon
Now wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep  ~~~ Of monster and Men  ~~~

Life post ovary

Life post ovary has been interesting. Kelli is recovering well. we have been taking it easy for the most part. We have been playing board games, sleeping and trying not to over do it.





Baby with her sock monkey 

We did got to the park yesterday and throw the ball around a little and pants even hit a few home runs.


 My friend recently had a birthday so I spent the weekend with them celebrating. We ate out, drank, danced and watched horror movies. All in all a great weekend and fun was had by all who joined in the festivities. I had amazing Mexican food, drank a few to many AMF'S and was sore for days from dancing.

Ready to hit the dance floor 

Pants had been doing some up keep on the car recently. We changed the wiper blades, and are working on changing the headlights. Good old tawanda still has ass and is running as good as ever. She was my first car that I payed off. I am glad she is still in the family.

Pants working on tawanda 

New wiper blades 

 Mom and Les are doing good in England recent pictures show snow and lots of laughter.  I am glad that they are so happy.

Recently I have been trying to get out more and take photos with my new camera. I have been spending more time in down town Portland and have run into some very interesting charters whilst looking for good photo opportunities. below are some of the most recent ones.

Portland 

street sleeping 

Lady Portland

some things make you realize how imp loved ortant people are to you

Funny faces at Shari's 

Baby love in the ER doped to the nines with her new hat. 

Life was going pretty good for Kelli, pants and I.Were were working out jobs and entertaining ourselves with rock hunting,skating and what ever else sounded good. The other night Kelli was really in the mood for greasy breakfast food so off we went to shari's in search of her craving., We had a lovely greasy meal and set off to see what the night held. I went out and spent some time with my good friend Juan. We had a lovely time eating Philly subs, drinking wine and listening to Jazz. Kelli stayed home and watched movies. It was a good time for all of us. My schedule was switched to grave yards for the week so it looked as though Kelli and I would not be seeing much of each other. To make it even more challenging I was on call this last weekend so we were not really able to spend anytime with each other. But we did have a lovely night of good willing and scored some really good stuff. I worked graves on Monday night. When I got home Kelli was curled up in bed in an a lot of pain. I did the rebound pain test and she just about punched me. After some strong arming from pants we were off for another family trip to the ER. Her labs came back normal after dome pushing on my part he agreed to do a CAT scan. They found that her appendix was fine but that she did have an Ovarian cyst that was 4 inches in length. They then took her down to ultra sound to see if it was cutting off blood supply. Portland mom, and pants were there to keep us company and support Kelli. While it was a very long day of waiting we made it fun with jokes, laughter, knitting and many other things. Finally they sent in an OB consult. After a little pushing and talking she deiced that emergency surgery was the best way to go. Kelli and I are so lucky we have a great support system here. Portland Mom, Pants, and our sister Melissa all spent the next day in the hospital with me keeping us company and making us laugh. The night we spent in the hospital was as always sleepless people in and out an  machines beeping. My mom and les called to check on us as well no matter how far away My mom is still my strength and I know I can count on her when ever I need her as well as my Da Les. The surgery went well they removed her right ovary and Fallopian tube. They also did a DNC. She came out very tired but we were discharged tonight. I brought her home and got her settled in the bed. I have established a med schedule to ensure that we keep her out of severe pain. She is currently in a drug coma. I am encouraging fluids and watching her close. Thanks to all who prayed, sent good vibes and supported us during this event. One of the best parts of the friends visiting was one of my best friend brought her son Cale by to visit Kelli it really made her day.

Best behaved child ever Kelli was soooo excited to see him!!



A also loves the way I use the word Panda all the time so she bought me a super cute pair of panda gloves it was a great end to a super long two days!! THANK YOU A !!!! I love and adore you my best friend!!!

Pants in the book store 

Kelli in the store. 

Yesterday my car decided to crap out on our way back from spending the afternoon with Portland mom. As part of our Chrisolstacemas presents she took us to powells book store and gave us a spending limit and set us loose. For pants Powells is like a crack house full of her favorite drug... Books! She made sure to lead Kelli and I to the place we need to go to find out own fix. I obtained three new slightly used books Kelli got two and pants got three. We were as happy as kids in a candy store we were having a lovely family outing.

 After the book store we decided we wanted voodoo doughnuts. Now you may never have heard of them but they are some of the best doughnuts in the world!! Trust me they are amazing we again stood like kids in the candy store awaiting our well candy. we picked from the two spinning cases the delightful delicacies that were to ours. We then sat and devoured at least one of our freshly chosen doughnuts.

Voodoo doughnuts good things do come in pink boxes!

We then left to head back to Portland moms house she was going to nap for a while at her house, and I was going to cook dinner at our place and she was going to join us. As we were driving home all of a sudden the car thermostat shot to hot and an alarm went off. I pulled off to the side of the road. Pants and Kelli got out to investigate what could be the potential problem. It was radiator related.. That much we knew. We gave it some time to cool off and attempted to head home. With in seconds it was hot again. SO we added some fluid a whole jug and started off again. While sitting at a stop light we heard a glug glug glug sound. Long story short  and one tow truck ride later the bottom of my radiator blew off. So that is going to cost a pretty penny. I decided to make dinner any how. Baked chicken thighs, stuffed mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

Me cooking

Mushrooms ready to go in the oven.

Dinner turned out very good. After a long some what traumatizing day we sat down as a family and had dinner. It was supper yummy. It made me thing of my mom and when she makes my favorite comfort food for me. There is something about cooking for others you can't help but put your love and essence in it. We spent the rest of the evening relaxing knowing we all had to work the next day.




On Saturday we decided to go rock hunting. All three of us are rock hounds and Kelli recently found some new places for us to go check out. Off we went the tree little lesbians layered to stay warm. We piled into the PT and listened to Pinks new album me singing at the top of my lungs.

View while rock hunting 

Kelli hunting for rocks

Today dawned cold,wet and grey. Pants is allowing me to drive her car until mine is fixed.All day today it was one thing or another. I am getting tired of people who create their own drama and then want to complain  to me about the shit storm they have created. I feel as if I am working in a negative on going circle of complaints, back stabbing, drama, being targeted, being lied about and oh so much more dysfunction. I keep trying to tell my self that if I can just weather the storms I will be okay...... What do you do when the storms are every day and you are stuck in the environment due to needing the rate of pay and insurance? I have tried to obtain other employment but I am either over qualified or under due to not having a degree. The job market sucks!! So I made it through another storm, another Monday and am looking forward to pants and Kelli getting home from school so that we can have some love, laughter and family time!!

My standard answer