Back trackin a bit.

So I moved out of my Home in Portland into a home in Vancouver with my partner. I was on cloud nine! I had a job I loved, a partner I loved, a home, and I was rebuilding my life. Things went well for a while... Lady H had brain cancer. I knew this when I entered into a relationship with her. I know some of you are asking why would I do it....? Looking back I loved her, and I loved to be needed. We lived happily but eventually it all got to be too much. I began to be her care provider rather then her partner. We stopped being intimate, and she withdrew from me not wanting me to get hurt. I dove even deeper into work as a way to cope with everything I was not willing to look at. This made me great at my job but not such a good partner. Rab was getting ready to turn 29 so of course we must go to the bar and drink copious amounts of booze to celebrate her being here! We started a bit early in the day with a designated driver all worked out the party was in full swing by the time we hit the E room. Rabs boss,wife, and his sister would be joining us as well as Rabs new girlfriend C. The drinks were flowing and we were having a grand time. Then the most amazingly hot butch walked into the bar.... And she was heading for our table. It was her bosses sister.. I was immediately attracted. She was shy, and intelligent, made me laugh, made me feel like something was alive in side of me. I had a partner so the evening was kept to small talk, some light flirting and a whole lot of thoughts going through my mind. I will admit I did leave  the bar with her number. Rab had puked and was now requesting Jack in the box so it was time to bid the evening farewell. We went back to her house and crashed I woke up the next morning thinking I needed to seriously look at my life. If I have a partner I should not be attracted to other women, let alone leaving the bar with their number. What was I thinking? I was not thinking I was trying to yet again block out every thing that had happened over the past three years. My mom getting sick with cancer, dropping out of school to take care of her, leaving my family in Eugene, moving to Portland, taking on a partner with terminal brain cancer, moving up in my company to a management position. I was searching for something I just was not sure what it was...... I drove back to Vancouver that afternoon with thoughts racing through my head... where was my life going?

Landing in the land of portland

After taking time off to help my mother battle cancer I landed in my new home of Portland Oregon. I had previously lived in a lovely one bedroom with my two fur kids in Eugene Oregon. In my new found home in Portland I was living in a three story town house with my best friend and her mother. I could not have my fur kids in the small room I now called home so they lived up stairs in my best friends room. I was in awe of Portland. The traffic, people left handed exits..... It was all so over whelming. I transfered within my company to a different group home. I was employed living with new room mates and thus new "rules" and with out my fur kids. I learned how to navigate my way to my new home and a few other places. Other then that I did not venture out much I worked and went home. I realize now that I was overwhelmed and this is when the first signs  of anxiety  reared it's head in my life. Portland is so fast paced.... People talking and driving while applying their makeup at sixty five miles an hour. Wake up work all day rush home in the traffic that is backed up for miles..... I was used to the slower paced life of walks along the river, and dinners made with family. But I was with family right? My best friend and her mom. Rab had been my best friend for over four years and we had a mutual understanding that we were family and nothing would ever tear us apart. But living together was much different then our experiences in the past. Rather UN expectedly I met some one after being here for only a short time. Could it be was I to be that lucky? Lady H was lovely and new and exciting and lived in a home all her own in Vancouver. With in no time we had U hauled and I was a permanent fixture in my new home in Vancouver. This was it I had a partner, a home, a job I was living the life..... Or was I? 

The only constant in life is change......

So sitting in my new room in my shared house I keep thinking about change. My life has not taken me where I thought it would by the time I was 28. I remember being a little kid and telling my mother I love you so much mommy I am going to live with you until I am thirty....... Well that is not the path that this life has taken me on. I left home long before I was thirty. I was chomping at the bit to become an adult... I wanted all it's freedoms. I was such an all or nothing person. I got my early adult hood as wished but alas it was filled with more rules and deadlines, bills, and other adult worries. The pit falls of adult hood that I never knew. My mother did a good job of hiding those aspects of life from me. I have managed to traverse the "adult" things that have been thrown my way. I have managed to build my life some times lost and wandering and others direct on the path I was walking. I knew where I was going and what I was going to do. Until about three years ago when my mother got sick with cancer. The realization of her mortality rocked my carefully built adult world. I was reduced to a crying snotty child wanting nothing more then the simplicity of childhood. I knew it would be me who went home to take care of her. I can not put into words the emotions behind going home to take care of your mother and realizing that when you come back to your carefully crafted adult life it could be for ever changed. I went home with my beat the crap out of cancer gear. When I first saw my mother my hero she looked so small and fragile. What happened to the strong never back down, crazy beautiful, five foot nothing amazon who had raised me? I numbed my self out to the fear and the pain. I had a plan we were going to kick the crap out of cancer. My mother chose alternative therapies to fight cancer. It involved a lot of organic juices. Thus I was dubbed by my mother the juice bitch. Our sense of humor tends to be a little bent and on the dark side but it works for us.Three months of juice, special soup and a lot of  laughter and my mother appeared to be on the road to recovery..... I was free to return to my adult world but my bearings had been all re arranged where was this path in life going to take me next....?